31.12.13

Insert New Years eve post here...

I guess you're expecting some inspirational type of post here, and I guess in some aspects this could be quite inspirational to some people, but to others it's just going to be a whiny post that some bitch has written about her year. Bare with me though, because once you get past the personal stuff, there's a silver lining... I think. Christmas and New Years always fucks me over, I usually try to refrain from swearing on my blog, but I couldn't think of a better adjective. Does this make me a NFSNW blog now? Every year I plan on doing this that and the other, but by the end of the year I realise I haven't done any of it, cry about how I have wasted another year of my life, and then sit in the cold watching a strangers fireworks burst into an array of colours across the sky, and promise to do better next year. If anything I become more of a failure with each year that goes by. It seems to me, that sadness grows with age, or maybe it's not sadness at all. Maybe this is just what being an adult feels like, and if so, is it possible for me to go back and just refuse to grow up? I still act like a big kid in so many ways, I run through the park screaming, refuse to go to bed at a decent time, leave everything until the last minute, but that doesn't change the fact I am getting older. I wish for the days when I was fifteen, my friends and I would just go and sit in the park on saturday afternoons, scraping our pennies together to buy a bunch of food in Tesco, swinging on the swings as the sun set and laughing about everything and nothing. I suppose this time of year just makes me think that I am never going to be able to go back and get those moments back, or those people. I love my friends, but I feel as if they've all grown up and I'm still the same, I may have gotten older, but I don't feel older, and that makes me scared. I watch all my friends go about their lives, growing older, becoming supercool amazing people, and doing super cool amazing things, but then I think of my life, and wonder what I have to show for it, and I can't think of anything. It makes me wonder what all my friends will be doing in twenty years, and if they will remember me? Will anyone remember me? I don't plan on killing myself, so you can put that worry away... I just want to know whether or not my presence has made an impact on someones life? I promised myself when I was 17, that by the time I was 27, I would be a successful writer living in America, in a fancy house over looking some sort of beautiful landscape, and spending my days writing. It's been four years since I promised myself that, and I have nothing to show for it, sure I maybe a creative writing student, but that means squat. I need to actually work towards my goal if I want it to happen, but the more time that goes by, the less motivated I am. Does that even make sense? I don't even know what I want to do in life, aside from moving to california and writing all day, everyday and taking my future dog for walks. But how am I supposed to figure out what I want to do, if I don't even know who I am? I'm asking a lot of rhetorical questions right now, and I don't expect anyone to answer them, but I do want some sort of answers, only they have to come from myself, which means I have to get over whatever this crap is, and just do whatever it is I need to do. If I feel like taking a dance class, I'll take a dance class, if I want to audition for Britains next top model, I will. Fear is not obsolete, but that doesn't mean it can stand in the way and dictate my life. I decide what dictates my life, and I chose me. This mess of fear, panic and anxiety that is living in my brain stops now, I am fighting back, and I am going to do what I want. Fear is good, it shows that you care, all you have to do is find the courage to fight against it to get what you want. With that being said, I have come up with a list of things that I am going to do this year. It's not a bucket list, because that insinuates that I am going to die, and I am not. I am going to live forever. I am infinite. It is just a list of things that I want to achieve, and instead of focusing on all of the negatives, I will focus on those instead, and I suggest that you do the same too. I'm not going to post my list up just yet, but just know that it is coming, and by this time next year, I am going to have crossed off everything on it. Peace love & sausage rolls. xoxo

1 comment:

  1. Sounds good Kirstie :) il look forward to reading what you plan on doing in the upcoming year. I have a list too, although a lot of it will be trying out new restarants! Yours will be much better x

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